Max Payne

I make it a point not to post reviews on here. I don’t share the same opinions that many people have so I’m left explaining why I thought something sucked. It got to the point of people always saying”Rob, What did you think…oh I bet you thought it sucked”. I’m so sorry I think Resident Evil and the Britney Spears’ Crossroads were a complete waste of time. Now if I’m asked I just shrug and make a half smile. It got old defending why I don’t love the shitty movies in the world. But the time has come for me to break my silence. There is a movie so bad that I don’t think anyone should ever see and it’s my duty to let you know…Max Payne completely sucks balls.

I got to see it last Friday…and I wish I could get that time back. But let me back up a bit. I saw M. Night Shamalyan’s (or something. too lazy to look up spelling) The Happening not too long ago and it had the worst performances I’ve ever seen outside of a porn film. Well, that was until now. Mark Wahlberg’s performance in both films is laughable. There were a few times in Max Payne I thought I was watching one of the scenes from Boogie Nights where they were recreating filming a scene for a porn. I can imagine Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Chris O’Donnell, and Beau Bridges are probably cringing when watch this film. Now I went into this movie knowing that it was based on a video game and probably wasn’t going to be Oscar worthy but I was hopeful for some good action scenes. After all, the game the movie is based on has some of the best gun fights in any media next to John Woo movies. Sadly, John Moore failed to bring even an ounce of that action to the screen, falling flat on its face. You could probably find better gun fights on your local news. From start to finish the movie is just a mess. We already have one director, Uwe Boll, destroying video games transitions to film we don’t need another.

If you go to see the movie and want to waste more time, wait for the end of the credits for a scene that setups a sequel…*cry* please god…why?!?!

Madonna is like a fine wine…

she just gets keeps getting uglierscarierbetter with age.

I came across this picture today, and I’m getting hot. I’ve never wanted something so bad before. My loins are on fire! Everytime I see a new picture of her, I feel the need to disappear into the bathroom for some alone time. Who can blame me? Look at that face! There is just something that turns me on about that, that face caught in a bear trap look. If that’s not enough for you, check out those arms. Imagine those arms wrapped around you, just hugging you…touching you!

ahh, please don’t touch me.

How can people do this to themselves? Does Madonna look in the mirror and like this new look? Does it not frighten her kid(s). I’m a grown man and I’ll probably have nightmares for a week.

Just to help you erase this from your mind. Here’s a little Gary Busey.

Terminator: Salvation

They are going to beat that Terminator brand into the ground. If it wasn’t for Christian Bale, I would call that movie a big piece of crap. Luckily for them, Christian Bale is a bad ass. He has the power to turn any potential turd movie into gold.

More G.I. Joe The Movie Pictures

Storm Shadow

Scarlett

Snake Eyes

Hawk

Duke

Baroness

Breaker

Destro

Rip

Wow! I’m almost speechless. When I first saw the Snake Eyes pictures, I was really excited that they were making the movie. Now, the more I see, the sadder I get. It feels like my childhood is being taken from me, devoured, and crapped out all over the place.

Next thing you know, they will be making a live action Thundercats movie.

Casting Thundercats: The Live Action Movie

Son of a…

Well at least The Smurfs are safe. There is no way anyone would touch that.

The Smurfs (2010)

Wow, really? The Smurfs? Really? Nothing is sacred. Soon my childhood memories will be replaced with a bunch of crappy movies.

The Dark Knight

I seriously cannot wait to see ‘The Dark Knight’. It’s been a long time since I was this excited to see a movie. I wasn’t even like this for the Transformers movie last summer. I feel like a little girl, about to experience her first kiss. I have butterflies in my stomach and my heart is racing.  te he

Batman Begins was, by far, the best comic book movie to date. I think a lot of that, besides having a bad ass director, had to do with the story being more believable. Of course, it’s still far fetched, but not so much that you’re rolling your eyes the entire time, like Fantastic Four or Ghost Rider (ugh). It took you through how Batman came to be, finding the batcave, weapons, etc. Not just my parents were killed, now I’m Batman and I built the batcave with my bare hands.

I can’t wait to see Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker. Already, there is a bunch of talk about how great it is, how it surpasses Jack Nicholsons. I can’t wait to see the performance. It sounds like his performance is based a lot of the darker Batman comics like The Dark Knight Returns. As a comic book fan, I’ve always disliked the old Batman TV show and the Joker from the 1989 Tim Burton Film. The darker stories seem to bring the villains down to earth and making them more believable, which made them a little more scarier. There go those butterflies again. te he

Last week, I started looking for tickets for some of the first showings but everything was already sold out. I was getting a little sad because it was looking like I might not see it this weekend. But something cool happened. My company, or a club within the company, is buying out a theater at 7PM Friday night. Woot! Tickets were even cheaper than anything where else. Today I will go pick up tickets and tonight, tonight I will be having beautiful dreams about seeing the movie. It better not break my heart like my first kiss did.