Sir Robbie Rob’s Economic Stimulus Plan

You can’t go to any big news site without reading something about the big 3 automakers seeking a 25 billion dollar bailout from Congress. All 3 of them are in danger of running out of money which means 750,000 Americans would be out of a job.  I’m not sure if that includes the jobs that depend on the automakers for business but that number has the potential to be a lot higher.

Even so, Congress should not bailout the US automakers for their stupid ass business decisions. You don’t see the Japanese automakers begging for money. Yeah, they’re not making the profits they would like to be, but they’re making some profit. Even a retarded yeti could have told you banking on big ass trucks in today’s world is plain stupid. You would think with all that money you have invested in your SUVs and Pickups, you would have the best out there. But that’s not even the case.  Toyota Tacoma and Tundra’s are far superior in quality. But that’s all history, we can’t change the fact you thought selling turds with your emblem would be enough to get you by. We need to look to the future. We need someone to come in and steer us in the right direction.

I think I know the right person for the job.

Me!

I have a plan that I think will work. It’s pretty simple.

Bail my ass out!

Give me the money to pay off my debts. That way I can start over, and I don’t mean start over by cleaning the slate and learning from past mistakes. I mean pay off my debt and I will go full out, racking it right back up, injecting that money right back into the economy. I will even do better than that…I will double the amount of debt I get into. Maybe I will even use some of the money to buy a crappy American car (See this plan will even help the automakers). In order for this plan to work, every American must be bailed out. I’m fairly certain this would help get us out of a recession.

Unfortunately, it will probably come right back around because I (we) would not be able to pay off the new debt. But that is easy enough to fix. Just bail me (us) out again! I (we) will turn around and triple the amount of debt I (we…you get the point) got into originally.

You may be saying to yourself “This is, by far, the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”

I respond to this with a question; How is this any different than bailing out the automakers? What are they going to change if they get the money? Ohhh the CEOs are going to work for $1 a year. Nice plan dipshit. They will work for $1, but they will continue producing SUVs and Trucks that no one is going to buy. They need time to shift their focus from Trucks, SUVs, and retro Muscle Cars (I’m a sucker, that new Dodge Challenger looks sexy, don’t forget the Chevy Camaro coming out) to making some economy class cars that consumers want to drive. That isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so they will be back sometime next year asking for more money.

So Congress, hurry up and bail ME out. I have my eye on a Ferrari I can’t afford.

Adjusting to North Carolina

We have just hit our 2 month mark since arriving in North Carolina. For the most part it has been an easy transition for us. We live in a nice apartment, surrounded by beautiful trees, and Alev is loving the cold weather (not me). All in All, we are loving living on the east coast.

There is one thing that worries me. The people of the Carolinas are some of the nicest people you will ever meet…until they get into their cars. As soon as they get into the car and turn the ignition, they turn into blood thirsty animals. They will run you off the road and not even blink, if it means getting to their destination quicker.

Do you need to change lanes from the access ramp to the highway? Forget about it. They won’t let you in. The only way you will get on is by having the same thirst for blood as them. You have to be willing to swap paint to get home.

North Carolina doesn’t seem to like protected green light turns. It seems like every light is a yield only on green. So you need to turn into that shopping center to buy your ailing grandmother a get well card? Tough shit! It ain’t going to happen. Even if you get a break in traffic, somewhere a sensor goes off and a crazy ass old lady will come out of nowhere to make sure you can’t turn. Sorry Grans.

Driving on a single lane road and need to make a left turn? OHHHH so sorry. In this scenario, it would be safer for you to go on a 18 month tour in Iraq. If you have to stop and wait for oncoming traffic, you’re holding up traffic behind you. This really pisses off the Carolinians…Carolinites…whatever. Looking in your rear view mirror you can see Bubba pulling out his rifle and his mouth start to water. Thirst for blood I’m telling you.

Want to go out for a nice ride on your motorcycle? HAHA sucker. On your bike you do not exist, think woman in corporate America (zing!). I have been riding on the streets for a little over a year. Most of that time was in Texas. In Texas, I had maybe 3 times where a driver failed to notice me and pushed me off the road. Since being in NC, I bested this number in the first week. If they happen to realize they pushed you off the road in most cases they will give you that wtf? face.

I now know why my auto insurance tripled just by moving to North Carolina. All you drivers in NC are effin nuts. I’m thinking about running for some public office and pushing mandatory anger management classes when applying for a drivers license. I will also push for the state motto to be changed to “The Jekyll and Hyde State”.

Hey Sonny Boy, Want a Gum Job?

To help bring it some extra income, our pumpkin, Ken is offering gum jobs for $1.99…exact change only!

Seriously, I think it’s time to toss the thing. It’s just so hard to say goodbye.

“It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.”

It’s like Boyz II Men are speaking directly to me and Pump Ken.

BBQ Cookoff

Back in August I participated in a BBQ Cookoff for my company’s diversity day for men (What’s more diverse than playing to male stereotypes? We had BBQ and Beer, the only thing we were missing were strippers). I was asked if I wanted to do the cook off and quickly said “eh, maybe”. That maybe really meant no I don’t want to do it but I rather not sound like all the other douches and say no. So I choose to be the douche that said maybe.

What sound does a douchey toilet make…doooouuuucccchhheeee!

Next thing I know I’m on the email chain for brainstorming for our team’s menu.

We had 7-8 people on our initial team, with 3 of them being so-called “BBQ Bad Asses”. Having these three people on the same team was like, damn cliches, having too many cooks in the kitchen. We gotten nothing accomplished in our first meeting because 1 person was set on making ribs, the other “made a great tasting brisket”, and the third BA had a scientific formula for making the best brisket. The rest of us on the team, me included, were in the mindset of helping out when needed and chilling out.

The whiny bitch of the bad asses (I can call them whiny bitches because I actually like these guys) started coming out. One was like “I’m making my brisket!” and the other “I don’t know how I fit in with this team, I want to feel like I can contribute something”. Uh oh…someone better call the Wahhhhhhhh-bulance!

The organizer for our organization made the chose to split the team into two, each having 3 cooks. Even though I fought it at first, in the long run it turned out awesome. Each time would be responsible for submitting a brisket, ribs, sauce, and a wildcard item. For our team I volunteered for the sauce and wildcard since no else seemed to want them. For the wildcard, I would make my Cochinita Pibil and the sauce I would ask my Mom for advice.

Besides hanging around cooking up cows there was another plus about the cookoff. It took place on Thursday from 5am-4:30pm…meaning I didn’t have to work just smell the sweet smell of burning cow and pig flesh. I love the smell of burning cow flesh in the morning!

I have made the cochinita pibil enough times to not really think twice about what I was going to do about it. The only thing different in this case was cooking it on a grill and not in the oven. We just had to maintain the temperature and it was all good, son. For the sauce, I was a little lost not having ever made anything before. I turned to the internet for some research and asked my mom, the bad ass chef, for recommendations. She emailed me a tomato based sauce that looked pretty good. We picked up the ingredients and cooked it up pretty quick…30 minutes or so. The end result was pretty good but it was way too smoky tasting, a result of the liquid smoke the recipe called for. When you’re in a Texas BBQ cook off, which entails smoking your meat, there isn’t really a need for your sauce to have a smoky flavor. So I decided to make the sauce again with just a drop of the liquid smoke. This time it came out tasting of heaven, if heaven was a place covered with sweet tomato based bbq sauce. This time around I also decided to try my hand at a Apple Cider vinegar based sauce. The best way to describe the taste of this one is like being stuck in hell and having to toss Rush Limbaugh’s salad after he was done eating a Mexican dinner.

Even though I wasn’t a fan of the second sauce I decided to take them both to the team and let them decide. They were both in agreement for the tomato based one.

I didn’t have any expectations going in to the cook off. I was just looking to learn a thing or two about bbq’ing and hang out with some good peeps. But something bad ass happened…I won second place with the BBQ sauce. My first time ever in a cook off and I pick up second place…second out of 11. Boo Yah! Rob Prudhomme up in this mutha! Sir Robbie Rob kicked it up a notch…Bam!!! Anyone want my autograph?

The pibil also got a ton a compliments and people were really interested in the process of preparing it. Hearing everything people were saying about it I thought it might place something in the wild card portion but it didn’t happen. Our team also took 2nd place with our ribs. The team made up of a guy with a scientific formula for brisket and two guys that wanted to hang out, took home two trophies. Pimp!

I kind of want to study up on smoking meats…wait I mean cooking cows through smoking. Not sucking on man meat. Even though this was just a small taste of cooking competition I would like to try a full out one. It could be some serious fun.

Goodbye to Austin, Texas

The time has finally come to say goodbye to Austin. This is something I wanted to post on Wednesday, the day we left, but we had to deal with some last minute problems. We packed up the truck on Wednesday morning and were on the road by the afternoon. The first night we stopped off in Monroe, Louisiana and stayed in a La Quinta. Ehhh I shiver with disgust just thinking about it. I would have slept better if I was on a cold slab in the middle of an artic storm. My skin itches just thinking about the dump. Thursday was a loooong day. We got on the road about 7:30 in the morning and called it quits sometime about 11 or 12. I can’t remember becaused we crossed the timezone change. We ended up in Kannapolis, NC in a Econolodge. I normally wouldn’t have stayed there but I was dead tired and just wanted somewhere to sleep. 5 hour energies can only take you so far. Friday, around noon, we arrived at our new home in Cary, North Carolina. Going into the apartment we were nervous as we signed a 12 month lease without seeing the apartment. Our decision was based purely on the reviews we read online. Luckily, the place is beautiful and spacious. Alev even says she likes it better than our house. Boo yah!

We’re going to miss Austin more than I can describe. In my mind I kept telling myself the move was still far out that way I wouldn’t think about it. But I couldn’t do that anymore when our last day came around. When I was talking to people I would start feeling real weepy, even when talking to people I don’t care much for. I said my goodbyes to my co-workers, at least the ones I cared to, after my team took me out to lunch. I’m hoping we can get back into Austin a few times a year. I lived there longer than anywhere else in my life. It’s a huge part of me and I will always have a special place in my pants for it. Oh Yeah!

Goodbye Austin. Hello Cary!! Woo Woo!