The Racist Scooter Rider

On the days that it’s not freezing cold (freezing cold to me is 65 or below) outside I try and ride the motorcycle to work. Where I work there’s an area in the parking lot designated for the cool kids (read: motorcycle riders). It’s pretty common to run into another rider and start chatting it up. This is very similar to the members of NAMBLA running into each other at the neighborhood playground except we’re not pedophiles…most of us anyway. We spend some time talking about our latest rides, the weather, comparing “If you can read this, the B*tch fell off” shirts, and also exchanging skin care tips.

One afternoon on my way out, I ran into a guy I haven’t seen before. We exchanged the generic “nice weather for a ride” and he went into how he rides his “bike” no matter what weather is like…”Well, unless there be ice on dere roads”. He keeps talking about his “bike” and I’m just nodding along. I start to look around to lot because he is talking this thing up like it’s a custom from West Coast Choppers. I don’t spot anything that would fit the hype this guy is throwing around.

So I asked him “Which one is yours?”

He pointed in the direction of a stock looking Harley Davidson, nothing impressive. Being the nice guy I am, I told him he had a “Nice Looking Harley”. He replied to me was “No, not the Harley. It’s the one behind it”. I take a second look and sure enough there it is…a freaking scooter. I’m staring at this “bike”…scooter thinking this guy is messing with me. The guy standing in front of me is the biggest Redneck I’ve encountered in recent memory. He is a few months away from losing all his teeth and has a beer gut that would put Artie Lang to shame. You know a stereotypical Harley rider. There is no way this guy is for real. Only he knows way too much about it for him to be joking. In my stupor, my only words to him were “Ahh Cool”.

Coming out of my daze I hear him talking about the repairs and modifications he’s made to the bike (At this point I want to slap him and tell him it’s a scooter). One of the repairs he had to make was to the throttle housing. Because he couldn’t find the parts for his Chinese scooter he had to use duct tape. What he did next blew me away. He looked at me and leaned towards me:

“I had to use the duct tape…”

He looks around to make sure no one is around.

“…to African-American rig the throttle.”

H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P

I couldn’t tell you what he said after that. I was completely blown away.

On my ride home (on a real bike, not a toy for a Barbie doll) I was going over what he said in my head. I can’t even tell you what this guy was thinking. He must have thought by saying “African-American rigged” he was being politically correct. It’s really more screwed up than the original saying (I don’t feel a need to post it here). With that saying you could almost (no, not really) pass it off as fixing something as an ignorant person would (term shouldn’t be used at all and I’m making no excuses for someone using it). He implies that all black people are known for fixing things in a cheap and incorrect way. Idiot!

I don’t think I’ve ever been that close to a racist asshole before (The only thing that stands out was someone yelling “Hey OJ!” to My Mom, Step dad, and I while driving around D.C.). Racists are one of those things I don’t quite understand and don’t think I ever will.

The thing that terrifies me about this whole encounter, this guy probably has offspring running around. Those little bastards are going to knock up their cousins and then teach their mutant siblings the same ignorant crap. The government really needs to start enforcing the no inbreeding laws. If not, we will be over run by these hicks and they will replace our water supply with Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator (Referring to the Mike Judge film, Idiocracy). But the government won’t step in. They know if they did we would run out of politicians.