The best thing to happen to Saturday Night Live in recent memory is the comic trio of Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone. They’re responsible for all of the Digital Shorts you see on SNL almost every week. I’m sure you’ve seen some of these, like Dick in a Box with Justin Timberlake or Lazy Sunday. Here is the latest Digital Short from last nights SNL. Pure Gold!
You can’t go to any big news site without reading something about the big 3 automakers seeking a 25 billion dollar bailout from Congress. All 3 of them are in danger of running out of money which means 750,000 Americans would be out of a job. I’m not sure if that includes the jobs that depend on the automakers for business but that number has the potential to be a lot higher.
Even so, Congress should not bailout the US automakers for their stupid ass business decisions. You don’t see the Japanese automakers begging for money. Yeah, they’re not making the profits they would like to be, but they’re making some profit. Even a retarded yeti could have told you banking on big ass trucks in today’s world is plain stupid. You would think with all that money you have invested in your SUVs and Pickups, you would have the best out there. But that’s not even the case. Toyota Tacoma and Tundra’s are far superior in quality. But that’s all history, we can’t change the fact you thought selling turds with your emblem would be enough to get you by. We need to look to the future. We need someone to come in and steer us in the right direction.
I think I know the right person for the job.
Me!
I have a plan that I think will work. It’s pretty simple.
Bail my ass out!
Give me the money to pay off my debts. That way I can start over, and I don’t mean start over by cleaning the slate and learning from past mistakes. I mean pay off my debt and I will go full out, racking it right back up, injecting that money right back into the economy. I will even do better than that…I will double the amount of debt I get into. Maybe I will even use some of the money to buy a crappy American car (See this plan will even help the automakers). In order for this plan to work, every American must be bailed out. I’m fairly certain this would help get us out of a recession.
Unfortunately, it will probably come right back around because I (we) would not be able to pay off the new debt. But that is easy enough to fix. Just bail me (us) out again! I (we) will turn around and triple the amount of debt I (we…you get the point) got into originally.
You may be saying to yourself “This is, by far, the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”
I respond to this with a question; How is this any different than bailing out the automakers? What are they going to change if they get the money? Ohhh the CEOs are going to work for $1 a year. Nice plan dipshit. They will work for $1, but they will continue producing SUVs and Trucks that no one is going to buy. They need time to shift their focus from Trucks, SUVs, and retro Muscle Cars (I’m a sucker, that new Dodge Challenger looks sexy, don’t forget the Chevy Camaro coming out) to making some economy class cars that consumers want to drive. That isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so they will be back sometime next year asking for more money.
So Congress, hurry up and bail ME out. I have my eye on a Ferrari I can’t afford.
We have just hit our 2 month mark since arriving in North Carolina. For the most part it has been an easy transition for us. We live in a nice apartment, surrounded by beautiful trees, and Alev is loving the cold weather (not me). All in All, we are loving living on the east coast.
There is one thing that worries me. The people of the Carolinas are some of the nicest people you will ever meet…until they get into their cars. As soon as they get into the car and turn the ignition, they turn into blood thirsty animals. They will run you off the road and not even blink, if it means getting to their destination quicker.
Do you need to change lanes from the access ramp to the highway? Forget about it. They won’t let you in. The only way you will get on is by having the same thirst for blood as them. You have to be willing to swap paint to get home.
North Carolina doesn’t seem to like protected green light turns. It seems like every light is a yield only on green. So you need to turn into that shopping center to buy your ailing grandmother a get well card? Tough shit! It ain’t going to happen. Even if you get a break in traffic, somewhere a sensor goes off and a crazy ass old lady will come out of nowhere to make sure you can’t turn. Sorry Grans.
Driving on a single lane road and need to make a left turn? OHHHH so sorry. In this scenario, it would be safer for you to go on a 18 month tour in Iraq. If you have to stop and wait for oncoming traffic, you’re holding up traffic behind you. This really pisses off the Carolinians…Carolinites…whatever. Looking in your rear view mirror you can see Bubba pulling out his rifle and his mouth start to water. Thirst for blood I’m telling you.
Want to go out for a nice ride on your motorcycle? HAHA sucker. On your bike you do not exist, think woman in corporate America (zing!). I have been riding on the streets for a little over a year. Most of that time was in Texas. In Texas, I had maybe 3 times where a driver failed to notice me and pushed me off the road. Since being in NC, I bested this number in the first week. If they happen to realize they pushed you off the road in most cases they will give you that wtf? face.
I now know why my auto insurance tripled just by moving to North Carolina. All you drivers in NC are effin nuts. I’m thinking about running for some public office and pushing mandatory anger management classes when applying for a drivers license. I will also push for the state motto to be changed to “The Jekyll and Hyde State”.
