Anger…It’s a hell of a drug

Until recently, I can honestly say I didn’t know what true anger really was. I use to think being mad at someone was the same as being angry with them. But I’m finding out these are two, totally, different emotions for me.

This new discovery came this past May while visiting my parents in Virginia. A few days before the trip, there was a little family drama that resulted in the end of a relationship. Although not intended, the results of that drama were my doing. When we got to Virginia, the topic came up before we even got back to the parent’s house. It started off as I expected it to, a little blah this and blah that. What I didn’t expect was for it to get any further than that. This is where anger introduced himself to me. If I was the Incredible Hulk, this is where I would be turning green and tearing off my shirt. But I’m not; I just saw red and wanted to puke.

What actually sparked this? In short, being told what my thoughts and intentions were. Now, you can disagree with me all day long and I could care less. People have different opinions and don’t always share mine. But, telling me I thought something when I didn’t or I intended to do something that I didn’t; really pisses me off. It pisses me off more when I tell you this, and you keep telling me what my intentions are.

Things eventually ended up winding down. But I was drained and ready to fly back home. The trip ended up being fun but the topic popped up more than I cared. The anger went back into its cave to hibernate…but not for long. Even after getting back home, the topic came up on every phone call back home.

Then, I talked with the person at the other end of the drama. The talk was very similar to Virginia. This person was telling me what my intentions and thoughts were. This person, who thinks they know who I am, is telling me my thoughts and intentions. This person, who I have distanced myself away from along time ago, knows me better than I know myself. The anger I felt in Virginia has nothing on this. I felt a fire grow inside me, a fire that continues more than a month later. I can feel the fire spreading and getting out of control. That little bastard, Yoda was right. Anger does lead to hate.

When I’m mad at someone it doesn’t last very long. Mainly because being mad takes way too much energy and I’m too lazy to dedicate that much to something. Anger is different. It’s like a cancer; it starts off with getting mad then grows into something that eats away at you.

The awakening of this emotion has had its positives, even though it doesn’t sound like it. This one thing sparked an emotional awakening, if you will. I went from being emotionally shut off from people to slowly opening back up. That side of things has been awesome. The major downside is it can easily get out of control. Already, it has mutated from anger to something unthinkable towards that one person. The worst part, I can feel it spreading out to other relationships in my family. Something I’m not willing to let happen.

I need to find the balance, where I don’t let the anger consume me and I don’t completely ignore it. That’s one of the fun things about personal growth; finding a good balance.